stay afloat, the key is hope

One day at a time.

Ive never been this depressed in a long time. I’m going through the motions of every day, I don’t feel like I’m actually living. I’m so unhappy. I want to believe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.

How am I so easy to forget

Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company

I can never stay focused enough to give an update on my life unless I take some addy so here we go! Life is pretty good at the moment actually with the exception of a few annoying things that really aren’t that big of a deal if you look at the big picture. (My inability to find someone to cover for me on the day of St. Patricks new Haven parade being the top one) I’ve been working all the time lately. I work almost every day unless its Tuesday or Thursday in which case I’m at school. I really need to focus on saving more money and paying more attention to my schoolwork and the importance of it. Other than work, I am trying to get my body back. Losing weight is constantly on my mind. I love zumba though. It’s such an escape from everything in my life and for that hour class, I can just let loose. I would even go as far as to call it a life changing addiction. I have really wanted to get back to church too but so far that’s been a fail. I need to focus on being a better person and thinking before I speak. Lately I find myself really wound up and taking it out on other people which is obviously unfair. I know I need to rid someone completely from my life but as usual it hasn’t happened yet. I am such a mental case sometimes. I think my mind tricks me into believing that I genuinely need someone in my life who is no good for me. Last time I tried to rid this person from my life I started shutting down. I was panicking constantly about where this person was, if they  were okay and whether or not they still cared. I know it sounds stupid. I was even getting to the point where I was blowing off my classes (even failing one) because I refused to get out of bed. See, I know what I need to do. I know what is right and still I choose to stick with this shit. I wish I could believe that I will be okay without this person. It’s something else that often consumes my mind on a daily basis. 

I’ve been feeling extra appreciate lately as well (even though I always should) for my great family, few honest friends and cousins. I need to start showing them that I care more.

To do list:

1. Stop blacking out when you drink. (Note to self: No one likes you when you do this) P.S this is number one on the to do list for a reason.

2.  Start organizing and planning. Use your planner or phone!!

3. Stop with the fast food. You need to be bathingsuit ready by at least the middle of May.

4. Take your job more seriously and do everything you’re supposed to. Do not be lazy. you’re already on thin ice as it is.

5. Be smart. Think about others feelings instead of yours all the time and remember that good karma will come back around for the good things you do.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to love & hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, & when you want to move on but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go & you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther & farther away. It’s so hard to think back to how things used to be & look at it now and realize that things are different & they may never be the same. You tell yourself it’s not worth it, but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about .